Pierogi Press No. 11: Rick Moody, “Everything’s Coming Up Carlyle”

Everything’s Coming Up Carlyle
Rick Moody

I came, I saw, I participated in the profit sharing. In the East, there is Carlyle, in the West, there is Carlyle. When accusations of war-mongering ring out, Carlyle provides the pre-recorded bells. Feeling bloated, try Carlyle. An unexpected new color in the rainbow coalition of Carlyle subsidiaries: vermilion. As if the Carlyle Group were nothing more than faux-Regency furniture. To understand how Carlyle works today, it’s important to be intimate with one or two of their secretaries. Putting the muscle back in muscle cramps. On the one hand, the compression of physical forces at the moment of the Big Bang, on the other hand, the Carlyle Group. The people who run Carlyle are a Who’s Who of succubi and incubi. The bridegroom, 37, is a director for private investments at the Carlyle Group who suffers from facial masking and a history of sadistic impulses. It was the yellowcake that made Carlyle’s legend so legendary. One of the investors of the Carlyle Group is none other than your closest living relative. The flower arrangements suggested the light touch of a Carlyle executive. Being connected with an arms dealer sure doesn’t hurt. A willingness to dwell in the dark underworld is reassuring to friends and neighbors. The situation reeks of infestation. Carlyle was having trouble convincing potential buyout partners to get into the sack with them. Put your pedal to the medal with Carlyle.

An atmosphere of intimidation called to mind tales of Carlyle. The pimps of our town needed the Carlyle Group to help them navigate choppy legislative waters. The frog prince sees himself as a link between traditional narratives and the annual report of the Carlyle Group. With Carlyle, there are no petty criminals. The deal gave Carlyle access to Zambia, a country of unimaginable natural resources and desperate princesses. The evidence suggests the participation of their nefarious janitorial staff.

Her skin was soft to the touch, when first the Carlyle Group wooed her. The probe yielded a stunning contract clause that barred employees of the Carlyle Group from plundering the state of all remaining industries. We at the Carlyle Group prefer the term “infrastructure.” Alleged cheating at cards, car bombs, consumption of sweetened soda beverages, all in a day’s work. I lay awake nights, obsessing about the Carlyle Group. Massage seems to have a long history at the corporate headquarters. That is not to say that Carlyle promised anyone they did business with a complete makeover and blowout, but the regularity of deals certainly resembles this sort of quid pro quo.

Perhaps no company holds more sway over the local bus driver. She didn’t mix the principals of the Carlyle Group with her bowling friends. Carlyle blurred the boundaries between the symbolic and imaginary registers. Carlyle was looking to buy one of the few remaining vineyards. Time was running out for Carlyle. The union was rallying its rank and file members. The folks at Carlyle refused to talk. He used money from the Carlyle Group to pay for the ring, but then he refused to sign the pre-nup. The bulk of the company’s largesse went to politicians on the relevant committees. That same morning in the plush setting of an opium den the Carlyle Group was holding its annual international investor conference. Carlyle’s spokesperson insists that the former president does not and will never exist.

Carlyle owns twenty-seven percent of our dream lives. Rumors are spreading that Carlyle has also invested in a company that holds the contract on the creation of sunlight. I do not exaggerate when I say that the name Carlyle is in every sentence I use. The heroic saga of the founders of the Carlyle Group is one of the clearest examples. Proof is illogical and contrary to precedent. A uniquely American story about money, power, war, and abstract language. Carlyle bottles the rain and sells it back to the clouds. Everything’s coming up Carlyle.*


*The structure of some of these sentences is suggested by Dan Briody, Michael Moore, and numerous articles from the New York Times. There are also one or two quotations from these sources.